Saturday, May 26, 2012

It's My Party and I'll Cry and Fry if I want to!

Today was an unusual day in our house. Yes, it was Wednesday- the day that I don't have to go out if I don't want to. It was also the day after Mr's birthday.
 The major significance of today was that the baby of our house turned two.
Now if you know me, you know that I LOVE BIRTHDAYS! No doubt about it, if there is a party to be had then it should be in the form of a birthday party because you always (maybe not 100% of the time- maybe 75?), have fun.
I have certain traditions that I do for my children's birthdays and one of them is being there when they wake up and being the first person to tell them "Happy Birthday". Another is that they always have some kind of party on their actual birthday- not a day before or after but on the real date of birth. They can pick out what they want to eat that day and sleep late and several other perks which go with the yearly celebration.

Now here is what happened to Baby Dear on her special day today.
10:21am -Awaken from a long nights nap 3 hours after I normally wake up because I know that mom has to     be somewhere this morning and has allowed me to sleep in cuz it's my birthday.

10:38am -Fall to pieces because mom wants me to wear my spring school uniform to take school photos in. I finally get her to let me wear all purple because I am her queen and she hasn't realized it yet! Our appointment was originally set for 9:45 but I slept late because I am a dictator.

10:50am -Spit out my toothpaste on the floor and fall out because I don't want my teeth brushed today or any other day! Didn't I tell you this yesterday or do I have to repeat myself tomorrow?

11:10am- Sit down to an omelette made with bacon, my second favorite breakfast meat. I wanted sausage but apparently you didn't get my memo, slave!!! I ate it all and also another plate of it then two small bowls of blueberries before mommy stopped feeding me and asked if I wanted pizza or sushi for lunch. I said "shushi" because who wants lousy pizza when it's your birthday?
Mommy made sure there were helium balloons when I went the the dining room and I was so excited that I kept hitting my sister with them and made her cry. What a sissy!

11:45am- Those people of mine- they rushed me out of the house to go and see the photographer who tried to make me smile with some fluffy stuffed animal. I looked at her like she was crazy because she tried that bribery on me last year and it worked back then. I am knowledgeable in the ways of bribery, you slave!

12:38pm-I parade down the main street of the Village holding my birthday balloon and stick my nose up as the people say to me "Happy Birthday". I love all of the attention and keep ignoring them because I am a dictator and the people love me because I am.

12: 40pm- I bust into the front door of my "shushi" joint and wave my hands at everyone there. They adore me and give me candy when I come in. They treat me right and feed me what I want. What more could I ask for? (That's not a smart question- I could always ask for something outrageous!

1:10pm- Arrive home to have a picnic with my sushi and get jilted by those slaves again. We eat at the dinner table and I want more because it is my birthday. Never mind that I had 5 pieces already and I am full. So, I proceed to leave the 3rd helping on the plate because I can. I go outside to play with my sister who is skinny because she should eat my leftovers and she dosen't.

1:38pm- Play around the back door outside and run to the door to tell mom that my fingers hurt. I am ignored and not pampered like I should be so I go back to what I was doing. I yell to mom again and then April checks me out noticing the plug covers are open. Somehow that plug has a bit of a zap to it and it was in my way so I touched it and got the shock of zappo. I nearly fried myself they said!

2:15pm- bathed myself in sand and cried because mommy would  not let me eat it. She said that I don't need an internal cleansing and wiping sand off of my bottom is a feat left to surfers. She suggested that we go and visit my adopted Grandma Elizabeth because she also needs to celebrate my birthday too since I am the most loved dictator in the world.

2:30pm- go and visit Grandma and play with the African drums in her shop. I love the soapstone animals and the carved wooden giraffes so much that I would like to eat these too. Mom says "No" and I cause an avalanche of wooden figurines to fall over.(That's what she gets! I caused that because of you, peasant!) Grandma gives me a lovely dress and I want to put it on right there in the shop. Nudity is no problem for me- I am beautiful and you can be jealous of my gorgeous physique!

3:40pm-Ride home with my chauffeur and be left there with the other people of the house while mommy goes to pick up daddy from work. I guess I can let her go and do that!

4:20pm- Get pushed on my bottom causing me to shift into a handstand, bounce off the couch, handstand again and land on the floor in a state of near psychosis. (Can we fire these other "caregivers"??)

6:15pm- The party finally begins and I was hungry for dinner an hour ago so I resort to biting the hotdog package to inform my captors/servants that they are late serving me my dinner. We sit down to eat and I inhale 2 hotdogs, a half cucumber and a handful of tomatoes while everyone talks about how much I have grown. (Frankly, I think that they have regressed since they can't seem to understand my perfect English speaking!)
We get to the best part- the ice cream cake! I have to wear some of this because cream is a wonderful moisturizer for my precious skin. (Never mind that it can't be absorbed through my clothes, but that is what laundry slaves are for, eh??)

7:30pm- My day is done and I announce my departure to my slaves by having a fit and rolling around the floor. I am upset and need my bath immediately because I have been outside in nature and smell, well....... earthy. I ignore the guests saying "Goodbye" and make it to my warm tub, mini Moroccan massage, and lotioning session. I finally pass out in my sisters queen sized bed because frankly, my ego needs room to sleep. My servant reads me stories until I drift away.  I am two now and the world is my oyster, er-no, sausage because I can't chew those oyster things very well yet!

*This article is interpreted by my people because I have them to work for me and I own them all.

Friday, May 4, 2012

The "Lazy" Games

"Never do for a child what he/she can do for themselves." Maria Montessori

Good morning!
It's been a while since I have blogged and believe me, I did miss it a lot but I had so much to do and I am still not finished with the task at hand but I have to share this with you.
I have begun a twist in this chapter of my life. I have begun to delazy and undependetize my children. Yes, those are two new words in the dictionary of life that I have just invented to explain my problem.
-You see, my children have alarm clocks and don't use them.
-Their bathrooms are less than 10 feet from the laundry room- and their dirty clothes are on the floor.
-They disrobe and sometimes put their clothes in the laundry basket with socks and underwear still in their pants, unseparated, and looking like they are invisibly still wearing their clothes, thereby causing me to have to peel them apart and put them in their separate hampers.
-They walk away form the dining room table and leave their dishes.
-They leave a mess in the bathroom-no explanation needed.

So that is my list for today, or at least everything I can think of at this moment that makes me crazy.
Now I was pretty sure that we had established the remedies to all of these problems before but as time has moved on and our family size increased, putting a strain on my already strained schedule and house full of clutter, these children have taken advantage of my lack of persistence and made my life difficult.
My husband occasionally chimes in and says, "You know they need to do that themselves." Well his hands off approach to parenting has made my work harder, so I thought I would take my own measures. (Oh, he was right, you know)
The latest craze in the world is "The Hunger Games" so since I have never read it nor seen it nor know anything about it, I thought I would use it's title to my advantage.

This morning I began step 1- make them get up on their own. (or at least in enough time to catch the bus because I AM NOT driving out to that girls school again this week!) Usually I go in and sweetly announce what time it is and that they need to get up and moving then I go downstairs and start on breakfast, then I go back upstairs and tell them that they are running late, then I go back downstairs and work on breakfast again, then a while later I go back upstairs and announce that they are LATE!
I realized how foolish this was months ago and how dependent that they have become on me to do this. The alarm clock goes off (when they actually set it), they roll over, cut it off and go back to sleep until I come and wake them up a few minutes later, again and again.

So do you see my problem? This kind of mess coupled with extremely late nights of coursework and still getting up early at 6am-ish and you can tell why I am tired, cranky and ignit. Now that I see the error of my ways, and I don't have time for anything other than my education(almost done!) and family, my time is like liquid gold raining down the drain. I want to sew, I want to travel, I want to go to bed before midnight. I want to be me again!

This week we started with getting up on time.
Next week we work the laundry kinks out. They are going to start doing their own!
Pray for me, this could get ugly!

Now the first steps have been taken and let this journey begin!!!!!