It all began several months ago when my husband was diagnosed with cancer. He had gone to the Dr for a variety of ailments, but the most prominent one was the blood in his urine. I know I am telling his business, but if there is any man in your life that has this symptom, have them get this checked.
He had a biopsy which confirmed the disease and we have been on the fight against it ever since. On the day he found out, he was coming in the door and I was walking out of it. I asked him what the Dr said about his biopsy and he said to me in a whisper, "I have cancer". I said "Really? No?' and he said "That's what they said."
So that is how we roll at our house. No big announcement. No sitting down to talk about it, just a whispered statement and time to let it sink in. Later on we sat down to a Pow-Wow and had a deep discussion. It took us a few days to tell the children what was going on. We had to be ready for any questions they had at the time and we needed to be prepared ourselves for questioning. As it was, they barely had 10 questions to ask. I guess it all sank in thoroughly.
I had to look at him in a whole new light after that fateful day. Every ache and pain became thoroughly investigated. I tried not to ignore his "Oh,this pain and oh, that hurts." (I was getting REALLY good at that- This man has LOTS of aches and pains!) Each and every day was to be savored more than ever. My heart became softer.(But not too soft though, I don't want to seem "mushy".) We had this appointment and that appointment and finally the decision was made to have the surgery and get it over with. We had already been waiting since the biopsy for a surgery date and it seemed a long way off and our patience was wearing thin. He seems to have more patience than I in certain situations, and I didn't feel like this was a time for patience. Action, swift and decisive was what I wanted and in this country, I wasn't going to get it. Frankly, I haven't been getting many things that I have wanted lately and I guess I have had a sour attitude, but I wasn't showing it (or at least I thought I wasn't- another place where God is working on me!)
Some things you really want to just put in the closet and deal with on a rainy day and this has been one of those situations.
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November 19, 2011
My dear husband has had his surgery almost 3 weeks ago and has had his share of complications. We have been back and forth to the hospital emergency room frequently enough for me to know many of the staff on a personal basis. I think that at some point,some of these obstacles to his recovery are mental barriers called pride and ego and those are two hard partners to dance with. I know those two- pride and ego. They make you obnoxious to others, just like the whiff of a skunk in the middle of a fresh breath of air. You almost choke while inhaling!
I don't ever recall asking for two little ones at the same time, Lord, and I think I have done fairly, sorta, okay with them so far. I know I was blessed with them because I had wondered about the sanity of anyone who would double their workload and stress level by choice, and that is what it is, a choice to be a parent. God chooses us and gives us options. Even if we don't get what we want, a child or children, then we have ignored the choices we had before they were conceived and now that they are here, we have the choice to be the best parent to that child that they could ever imagine or be a sorry and pitiful parent who mumbles that they are still angry about that child being here.
How did I get off subject so badly?
I know- MR being at home and under the weather with moments of all out crankiness and dejection combined with the daily care of two little ones has been taxing on me mentally and physically. It's easier to take care of the children then the one man! Most nights I only get around 5-6 hours of sleep and I am so tired and worn out for it all. I could choose to be a cranky and cantankerous wife and mother, spreading my misery throughout my daily travels but I don't want to be remembered that way. I want people to remember me as "That Happy American Woman! I don't hit the mark everyday because of my attitude, but people genuinely know that I care for them.
Off subject again!!
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Now I have a bit of compassion. Not a lot, but a sprinkle. My dear Mr has used up most of my compassion these last 3 weeks. I have felt sorry for him and all, but truth be told, my compassion needs a refill. I am tired of examining and apologizing for each hurt pain and boo-boo. Men are very verbal in their pain. Mother Theresa was a saint if she had so much compassion for so many people. Jesus has compassion and grace for every man, woman and child on this earth. I have only a few to care for and I am overwhelmed some days. I see why a retreat is needed to rejuvenate ones soul. I need one soon.
Do you want me to send you a postcard?
2 comments:
I knew I should have emailed you the other day! You have been on my mind, and I apologize for not acting on my thoughts.
I certainly know the feeling of being all used up. Bob's complaints may not be as medically serious as your MR's, but he complains just as loudly, I'm sure! Usually I take all I can stand, then have a blow up, and sure enough things get better in a week or two, and I'm left thinking "I could have held out that much longer." It's just like labor - the worst part is thinking it will last forever.
Forgive me if this is inappropriate, but shouldn't April be helping with the little ones? I don't like to make older sisters into the step-mother, but in this time of crisis you might just have to call on her more than you would normally.
Is MR still going to work?? How's retirement/medical discharge going? The leap out of the Force is a big one, but stress levels go WAY down once you do it.
I'm here if you want to email or whatever. You may be half-way around the world but you are surely not alone.
Hi Misty
Jane pointed me to your blog, after our heart to heart on Sunday. I can see you have been having a rough time. Well done for just keeping going!
I am hearing from God loud and clear these days about loving oneself, about not judging yourself - in fact, one book He led me to told me that God does not judge us, we just do it to ourselves.
'Loving-kindness toward ourselves doesn't mean getting rid of anything.... We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. The point is not to try to change ourselves. . . It's about befriending who we are already. ' and this prayer ... 'O Friend, always wanting the best for us, trusting us with justice and love: Come walk beside us and share our joys and fears.'
I'd love to spend more time with you sometime - or chat online maybe?
God bless
Bridget
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