Saturday, October 2, 2010

Random Thoughts

As I was lying in bed this morning, I rolled over and saw the most beautiful face smiling back at me. She was asleep, but still smiling with the plumpest cheeks I've seen since my neice Erica was a little one. Gazing at the beautiful wonderfulness of this child, of whom is so large that she needs to move out of my bed SOONER than later, I was pulled into remembering about how she came to be and why did she have to come during the worst year of my life....
Last year we went to the states to visit our families and friends in California and Texas. Before that trip, I was ready to leave England behind without most of my family. I was so unhappy and had fallen into a rut of selfishness and blame. Mr had fallen into a rut of work, work, work. And when we saw him, which was briefly, he ate a quick meal with us, hardly had time to hang out or play with the children, and barely spoke to me.
We were drowning in unhappiness and sinking to the bottom fast. He didn't have time to take time off of work and even spent his weekends working. I was sick of being a single parent with a boarder. My plans were made and I was going to execute them as soon as I could. Then something happened. He finally was jolted from the "funk he was in". He caught wind of something about to happen and woke up to the fact that he was about to be a single parent also. Finally I would get my message across and he might actually understand what I was saying to him for months. He was furious and so was I. But most of all, I didn't see how much he truly loved me and also how much he was hurt by this all.
My dad had a heart attack in the middle of our woes. Mr went to Texas to help my mother during this time. While he was there, my dad had a stroke also. My poor mother was so overwhelmed and yet, there my right hand was, Mr, helping her as if she was HIS own mother. He cleaned her house, clearing out junk and clutter that was there for years and years. At least when my dad came home in a wheelchair,(which he didn't- praise the Lord!), there would be room for him to get around and mom wouldn't have to worry about cleaning the house.
Mr and my mom talked and talked about his and I marital woes and how his heart was pierced from my thoughts of jumping ship. He talked to my sister also about what was going on. They called me and talked. Boy was I sick of talking and hearing what my mom and sister had to say! I avoided talking to them some days and other days, I would listen to them drone on about how he felt about me and how hurt he was.
My plans changed and I decided to stay and work it out, cautiously. I knew how much of an OCD worker he is and that he is really INTO his work. He said he would try harder to leave his work at work and get home before the children go to bed. And he would try to be accessible at work, by phone, most of the time. (If you know about him and cell phones, then you know how I feel about him and cell phones!-nother story)
So he tried and I tried. Then we went to the US for a "vacation". We flew to California, stayed there for a week, picked up our old car and drove to Texas during a blood boiling, stifling heatwave with NO AIR CONDITIONING! I thought I was going to die. (Not joking either)
I spent time with my mother, talking and enjoying each others company. I loved her SO MUCH and did my best to let her know that. I didn't know that our visit there would be one of the last times I would see her.
We came home-back to England and began our week of time change adjusting, when we received a call that moms minor surgery had gone awry. She suffered a stroke and needed to come home. We went and had a few days with her before she went home to be with the Lord. Oh, such sadness. When I saw Mr crying at her funeral, it tore my heart. Then April began to cry when she saw him crying. I cried. Everybody cried and it was hard to regain our composure. He loved her so much. Almost as much as I did. Then I understood how much he loved me. And I cried.
So back to the baby in this story. The year 2009 was a hard year. I was in mourning and had just begun my YEAR of mourning when I found out that I was expecting. I was angry and of course wondering WHY? WHY NOW? God had to jolt me out of what could have been a serious bout of depression. Yep, the D-word. It happens and can happen to anyone. This jolt was like, for example, you are standing outside looking at the most beautiful sunset you have ever seen with it's gorgeous hues of radiant reds, oranges and whiffs of white, fluffy clouds surrounding it. You look around to admire the full panoramic beauty of it all when out of the corner of your eye you see something on your shoulder. It's white with swirly hues of gray in it. You crone your chin down and REALLY look at it and realize that it is the unthinkable. BIRD POOP! What? What? WHAT???????? You are inflammed and driven to anger in one quick second. See, now you are jolted back into reality and it really sucks sometimes. Anger, That's the word. I was angry for many months and when I finally got over it and told me family in Texas that I was expecting, it was March and I was due in May. But during those months of anger, I wasn't depressed! Wow, that sounds insane, but it's true. Sometimes when you're angry, you are moved to action. And that's what I did. I was a busy, angry woman, but I didn't take it out on my family. I started to blog more and come up with ideas and such. So God moved me and then made me sit down. For a long time. I had a c-section and was at the mercy of my family for nearly 2 months. When I got up again, I was still hurt, but driven to more action. For now, as I continue to recover, I can look back and see the grace that God covered me with for those months of "mourning". I was given new friends and a fabulous church family with whom we love and they love us. My marriage has recovered and my children are stronger from it all. But most of all, I still miss my mother, but we have a beautiful memory of her lying in our bed with the name of Joy.

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